Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
