How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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