every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
