"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
