The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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