i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
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In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay