Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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