Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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