bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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