enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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