how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
