whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
