I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
