I don't remember. Are we still dating?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Randomize
