I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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