Me too!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
