I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
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what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
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I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
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