it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.