I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
