peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
God I need to hump something, right now.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
