My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
