Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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