when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
