Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
