I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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