I hate your face
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I love you. Go after that dick
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
