I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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