You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
