omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
