Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And then he peed in my hair
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