I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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