My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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