god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
