We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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