I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend