I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.