if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
