I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i came on her dog
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
