There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
