i already hear my dad disowning me
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
