Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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