i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES