I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
from now on my penis is your penis
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
