Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
