She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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