You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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