Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
