Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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