All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
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so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
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We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?