I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
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Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner