1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
