im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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