the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
