Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
